Seven days before our wedding, my future husband still didn’t know what he was going to wear.
We’d been engaged for months, but he had been unable to overcome his procrastination in order to find a suit. I think this was when I really started to understand just how intense the impact of ADHD can be on a romantic relationship.
In this post, I dive into research on ADHD and romantic relationships. The key points:
- ADHD couples have greater relationship struggles than couples where neither partner has ADHD.
- There is very little research about ADHD and relationships.
- Relationship struggles are especially tough on heterosexual women with ADHD.
- Couples’ therapy helps with ADHD relationship challenges.
- People with ADHD are worthy of love.
We Know ADHD Can Be Hard on a Relationship
There is a lot of evidence that ADHD couples encounter greater relationship struggles than couples where neither partner has ADHD. Research suggests that, compared to non-ADHD couples, ADHD couples may experience:
- Lower relationship satisfaction and marital satisfaction
- Higher relationship conflict
- Higher levels of extramarital affairs
- Higher levels of divorce
In one study, 96% of spouses of adults with ADHD reported that their partner’s symptoms interfered with the basic functioning of the relationship, and 92% said that they had to compensate for their partner’s symptoms in their everyday lives. In another study, partners of ADHDers identified behaviors that harmed the relationship:
- Not remembering what their partner said to them
- Saying things without thinking
- Zoning out during conversation
- Having trouble dealing with frustration
- Procrastinating on tasks
- Leaving or ignoring messes
- Not responding when spoken to
- Not making plans
I was especially distressed to learn that people with ADHD are more likely to be involved in intimate partner violence, either as a perpetrator or victim, than people without ADHD.
We Need More Research About Neurodiverse Relationships!
I was shocked when I found that we do not have nearly enough research on ADHD and relationships!
There are very few studies, and many of the ones that do exist are 10–20 years old. Virtually all of the studies only look at white, heterosexual couples.
In the last few years, scholars have been sounding the alarm about the lack of research on ADHD relationships, so hopefully more studies will be coming soon.
While we need to know a lot more, there are a couple of important insights that can be gained from the research that exists so far.
Heterosexual Relationship Challenges Are Hard on Women with ADHD
Women with ADHD seem to face greater relationship struggles than men with ADHD, at least in a cisgendered heterosexual context. Women with ADHD may be more likely to divorce than men with ADHD. In relationships with only one ADHD partner, non-ADHD men are more upset about their female ADHD partners than non-ADHD women are about their male ADHD partners.
This finding makes sense considering the demands that patriarchy places on women. Much of the labor required to maintain a relationship, a home, and a family—cleaning, organizing, planning, coordinating logistics, maintaining calendars, etc.—is feminized labor.
If a man’s ADHD symptoms leave him to make a mess, forget his kid’s pediatrician appointment, or ignore date night, his masculinity remains intact. But if a woman does these things, she is failing to uphold the patriarchal standards of womanhood.
Similarly, the kinds of things a partner might do to support an ADHDer are also associated with female gender roles. I am a cis woman, and I do a number of things to support my male spouse with executive functions—maintaining a family calendar, keeping track of paperwork, keeping a written record of things he might forget, providing him with storage options for his “piles of chaos”—that fit pretty neatly within what might be considered “wifely” duties.
I’m speculating here, but I think it’s possible that men are less inclined to provide executive function support for ADHD partners, leading to real relationship struggles for women with ADHD who date men.
Couples’ Therapy Helps Relationships
A few studies have found that couples’ therapy helps address ADHD challenges in relationships. Three studies have looked into this, each using a different form of therapy. One was based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), one was focused on addressing emotions and solving problems, and the third focused on reducing aggression. Importantly, all three also included education about ADHD.
All three studies found that, after therapy, the relationships seemed to be doing at least a little bit better. Some of the findings included:
- Fewer ADHD symptoms
- Lower levels of conflict and aggression
- A better understanding of ADHD
- Knowledge of strategies and structures to support ADHDers
- Non-ADHD partners were less critical of ADHDers
I think these last two points are particularly important. Problems in an ADHD relationship are not only about one person’s ADHD. Problems can also arise when one partner is critical and unsupportive of the other partner’s ADHD.
Two things can be true at the same time.
When ADHD symptoms are harming a relationship, the person with symptoms can seek to manage them, whether through medication, therapy, coaching, or something else.
At the same time, the partner without symptoms can be supportive, patient, and understanding of how ADHD works.
Closing Thoughts: People with ADHD are Worthy of Love
Glaringly absent in the research was any discussion about the strengths that an ADHD partner can bring to a romantic relationship. My husband’s humor, spontaneity, and playfulness bring me joy every single day, and plenty of popular articles and books have pointed out that these qualities are common among neurodivergent people.
While I don’t want to minimize the very real challenges that ADHD can pose for a relationship, an overly negative discourse about ADHD and relationships can damage the self-worth and well-being of ADHDers.
We must continue to affirm that people with ADHD are lovable. So many of us live better lives because we love, and are loved by, a neurodivergent person.
Thank you for reading ADHD Unpacked! If you enjoyed this post, consider sharing it. That really helps new people discover the newsletter.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with ADHD and relationships! What strategies have you discovered to address ADHD-related challenges? What are some of the strengths you find ADHD can bring to a relationship?
Stay curious,
Dr. Taylor Allbright
P.S. My husband did, in fact, get a suit in time for our wedding. He came to me and told me that he was having trouble with task initiation and needed my help. I took him shopping the next morning, and the suit he picked out was perfection.
